If

After bumping into him with another girl, I told myself that it’s already hopeless. Efforts of my friends were already made. I had also shown him what I felt. But he didn’t seem to acknowledge everything. And sure he knew! He just ignored it for he didn’t see me the way I was seeing him.

It really hurt big time! All the regrets and all the “if’s” in the world came out. If only I was kind to him when he was befriending me before. If only I didn’t make him look dumb every time I insulted him. If only I didn’t hate him without any reason at all. If only…..

The last few months of my senior year were scarred with painful memories of him going out with his girlfriend then another girlfriend then another girlfriend. He always changed girls but he never did pick me! I felt so embarrassed of myself and I felt like I was the ugliest girl in town. It was so humiliating in my part because I was the intelligent one compared to the girls he was dating. Unfortunately, the battle then was not of the brains but of the beauty. And unfortunately of all unfortunately, I was indeed the ugly duckling.

Thus, I had made the most out of my senior year! Aside from enriching my extra-curricular activities, I had unexpectedly fallen in love and had my very first broken heart. At that point in time, I thought that was the most painful thing in the world that could ever happen to a person. Sleepless tearful nights, gloomy days, and absent-minded afternoon hang-outs. It was like living as a human zombie.

On graduation day, I was not that happy. Graduation for me marked the end of carefree and joyous high school days. I had to bid goodbye to my classmates and friends. Moreover, I was disappointed of not getting him to look my way until the day we parted. But in consolation, he congratulated me when we crossed path outside the Cathedral after our graduation rites.

Then I went to Misamis University for college and he went to another university in a different place. Being miles away from him, I thought I could forget him. I went on with my life partly happy of not seeing him with his random girls anymore. But in our first semestral break, we met in a common friend’s birthday party. My heart was beating so fast just at the mention of his name.

When he arrived, I was already shaking. My friend noticed and prompted me to relax. So I avoided him and went to the veranda of their house. When he was done eating, he went outside and I went inside again. After a few minutes, he followed inside and sat right next to me. I could not move out anymore so I just stayed. Then he asked me how I was doing. I just answered him flatly and I stood up quickly to go outside again. I felt that I was so snobbishly bad again. I didn’t treat him well again – I felt like I insulted him. But it was not supposed to be that way. I was just unsure of myself, unsure of my words, and unsure of my actions. So I’d better get out from the situation before he saw the sadness in my eyes longing for him.

At that night, I couldn’t help but cry! After months of not having those tearful nights, there I went again. I regretted for not talking to him nicely that afternoon. If only I could turn back time….

Just what’s exactly in him that made my world shaken this way?! Who is he that he takes in control of my mind and my heart as well? Who is he to make me regret of the things I had done so badly? Who is he to affect me so much for a very long time even in his absence?

If

If there’s only one thing to ask, it would be you
If there’s something I could give, that would be my love for you
If there are things to sacrifice, I’ll risk for you
If given a chance, I’ll prove all of these are true

But these are just wishes, hoping to be granted
Hiding these to myself, feeling I’ve been cheated
Keeping my only hope, waiting to be lifted
Holding these dreams patiently, nothing would be dreaded

If there’s only one place to go, I’ll choose to be at your side
If there’s a hand to hold, it would be yours to guide
If there are words to say, I’ll tell you what’s inside
If only you know all of these, then I’ve got nothing to hide

I’m looking forward for that big day
Somewhere along the line, it’s not just a fantasy
All wishes and dreams will come true, they say
And everything will turn out to be a reality

– Mary Rosalie T. Olandesca (July 13, 2002 Sat. 10:04 PM)

Watch out for the ending of this first love story! It will be published next week only here on The Other Side of Mae!

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Still Hoping
First Love
9/23

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