Still Hoping

In one way or another, we love. We long to love and be loved in return. Whether it be reciprocated or not, we still desire it, want it, and hope for it. Just as this poem is conveying:

Still Hoping

Tears that I can’t hide
Keep hurting me inside
I found you to be my guide
All I want is you by my side

Why can’t I keep you?
All this feeling is true
I don’t know what to do
‘Coz everything turned blue

It’s hard to set you free
Knowing that we’re gonna be
Together forever you and me
I’m still hoping for you to see

I told myself to let go
But I just can’t do
Can’t you see that I’ve fallen for you
I’m waiting for you to say you’re feeling the same way, too

I’m still hoping
I’m gonna give my every being
For me to hear what you’re feeling
Just bear in mind that I’m still hoping

– Mary Rosalie T. Olandesca (December 7, 1998 11:30 PM)

Yeah, right! This is another composition of mine – another desperate move to my “loving” attempt. The tone of the poem clearly says that it’s a sad love story. So now, let me continue narrating to you my first love travail.

As I’ve said, I hated him when we were in second year high school. I hated him so much that just with the smell of his perfume, my blood boils! I didn’t know what made me hate him so, to the fact that he had not done me anything wrong. In truth, he was so friendly and so kind to me despite my rudeness to him. He borrowed notebooks from me politely but I didn’t hand them to him. Instead, I threw them at him. He asked me questions gently but I didn’t answer him. Instead, I shouted at him. He was as meek as a dove and never did he fought me back.

On that night of pictures of him on my mind, I realized something. I realized that it’s payback time. This is what we call as “karma”. Wikipedia defines karma as the concept of “action” or “deed”, understood as that which causes the entire cycle of cause and effect in Indian religion. In my own understanding, it’s a consequence / retaliation / vengeance / an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. This is what I earned from being bad.

The following day, I went to school with nothing on my mind but him. Mental telepathy as we have it, he was the very first person I saw at our school’s gate! He smiled at me and greeted me but I was so startled. I stood there speechless for a while and I didn’t know what to do. My mind said, “Say hi!” but my mouth couldn’t let the words come out. So, I just passed by him and hastened my walk in order to avoid him from following me. What a jerk I was!

Recess time came and I wanted to see him. Girls were all over him – wanted to see him, wanted to be with him, and wanted to talk to him. Girls! Girls of all sort! Girls who are fat, girls who are thin. Girls who are ugly, girls who are pretty. And where am I in the picture? There at the corner of the canteen, pretending not to notice but dying to be noticed.

With the knowledge of girls already wanting him, he had built his confidence in his self. He had concluded that indeed he was “somebody” and that encouraged him into courtship. He then courted his long-time crush and this broke my tender heart.

“Why is this thing happening to me?” was the question that always played in my mind. Why had I ever noticed him the way the other girls did? Why did the hate fade and had been replaced with love? Is this love? That’s just absurd! I couldn’t love him. But why do I feel so jealous and so insecure with myself every time I see them together? Blah blah blah. Plenty and plenty of questions! But what I felt at that time was so real. I regretted for doing him bad before and I hated myself for the feeling of loving him by then.

Fortunately, his crush didn’t have any feelings for him. I was so happy! Maybe he will now come my way. But, he didn’t. He went courting another girl instead. And that girl hurriedly made him as her boyfriend. She was just so flattered for it was the campus crush who paid her attention. “OK, well. That will not last,” I was so bad again thinking this to myself.

Truly, it did not last and this made me hope again. Even my friends went up to him, insinuating of my feelings towards him. They were teasing us every time he comes near me. They were so supportive making childish pranks for us to be together. It was so exciting! I felt that it’s gonna be it until one afternoon came that we bumped into him with another girl by his side.

Will there still be hope in this love story? Find out next week at maryrosalieo.blogspot.com!

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First Love
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