Love Locks Christmas Tree at N Seoul Tower, South Korea, December 2017
Whimsical Wednesday shows my fancy in a myriad of beautiful things.
Disclaimer: This post is not beautiful at all. (edited: January 16, 2019)
What makes a cranky old lady? Me! Yes, I’ve been cranky and I’m old and I’m an effin’ teacher and I’m back to my old self with all these hang-ups in the world again! Well, I really haven’t learned how to chase the holiday blues away. I haven’t mastered the art of faking happiness and I’m once again becoming a grenade, exploding with shrapnel affecting other people’s lives! I’ve become a Scrooge for Christmas this year and I thought I had overcome this already. I was OK last year and was not OK the other year but I managed to ignore. But history repeats itself over and over again and I think it will be this way, a cycle, a periodic motion of OK-not-OK-old-maid syndrome! But I swore to myself not to be like this anymore. I’ve been fighting but I couldn’t help it. I rebuked the lies of the enemy but I couldn’t stand it. Too much selfishness just crept in until it swallowed me whole. I already said never to write desperate posts anymore but I want to let loose, vent out, and so the purpose of this blog. This is my outlet in the first place, so the hell with you reading this with much oppositions of what I’m trying to convey! Just only old maids understand fellow old maids!
Now what irritates me? A very slow internet connection, yes! The result of not being very productive lately, yes! All goals listed in my journal for 2017 unrealized, yes! Endless questions from relatives, old friends, and customers on why I’m not yet married, yes, yes, yes! Or perhaps, the boy I’ve been eyeing for who doesn’t look at me the way I want him to, another yes! Oh, what lame reasons! Very very shallow reasons! Slap on my face today when I heard that our previous neighbor, a mother of 3 young kids got tumor on her brain. She and her family got the news 2 days before Christmas and here I am, perfectly healthy and surrounded with love by my whole family, still sulking with all the complaints in the world. Oh, what a shame! Just how stupid I am! When the others are having really big problems, I’m making problems for myself. When the others are struggling in their finances, I went spending just to please my big fat ego to show that I’m doing just fine!
So I’m writing this to be fine tomorrow. I want to make up for not being good and happy last Christmas. I hope I’m gonna leave everything behind in 2017. Five more days to go and I don’t want these 5 days to be gone to waste. See, I haven’t worked for Lablab for Kids Christmas. I haven’t prepared presents for all my inaanaks. I haven’t greeted my friends and customers a “Merry Christmas”. I haven’t been thankful for all the blessings I’ve received. Hopefully I will end these rants and I’m never gonna rant at all. But still, cycle that is, God forbids I’m gonna do this again and again. Lord, please help me to delight in You, pray continually, and be forever grateful. Answered or unanswered prayer, let me put my trust in You.
Come on, Mae! Jesus is the reason for the season and not your teeny-weeny twinge of caprices! Stop whining and grow up, OK?!!!