38 and Self-Partnered!

38 years! Yep, 38 years of me, myself and I! And this is my 9th birthday post here on my blog! Could you believe I already spent 9 years of keeping this speck of cyber space of mine? Though I’ve neglected this for quiet some time now because I’ve been too occupied with loads of school work, still I want to hold on to this space and to writing. 

Yeah, I cannot deny the fact that I wanted to conform with the trends, to be one of those sought-after b/vloggers that I forgot what this blog is really all about. Yes, I’ve had my inspirations, still Patty Laurel and Laureen Uy whose lives glitter and accelerated since day 1 of me following them in 2011 when there were still no vlogs. Then there came the vlogging where they indulged in and there came along, other internet sensations whose number increased exponentially over time. Of course I wanted to be like them but I cannot be one of them because I cannot prioritize to focus on b/vlogging. I am never that fearless to drop everything behind to chase some passion which I think I’m not that well-versed of for a pay. So this ate me up, dying the gusto of self-expression out! 

But as I’m recounting my 8 birthday posts here, I realized that this blog is what’s keeping my sanity. I write to process, to heal, to remember so I’m getting back to the “why” of me opening this blog in the first place. I realized that this is my avenue to express my creativity through wordsmithing! So I need not conform myself into vlogging and just continue blogging and just don’t care about being famous! I just need this space for me, myself and I so I can write just about anything again!

In that matter, I’d like to write about an issue I haven’t outgrown yet and that is my single journey! Yes, you’ve heard of my complaints, my grumbles, my audacity on this! Mine were always tales of one-sided love, unrequited love, blah blah blah…. Not unless I get married and have children, I will never get my peace! That’s what I always tell myself and end up desperate each and every time! 

But for the past year, I’ve learned something. I’m not that type of girl whom men chase. Yes, I know that ever since (you might laugh at me for only realizing it now). But I haven’t fully grasped what do I do about it. I blamed this to my physical looks so that means I don’t like how I look. So how will somebody like me if I don’t like myself? This is only one of the million reasons why I became who I am today. My life is what I made it so now it’s time to accept. I must not resist that truth anymore so I’ll just have to go with the flow. Further resisting keeps me to dwell longer in misery so it’s about time to finally let it be. I need not complain, grumble and blame the universe or whatever divine entity or whoever because nobody did this to me but myself!

Sometimes I feel that I’m giving too much to others that I forget myself. In truth, I’ve always been selfish to always think and focus on what my life is lacking which makes me unhappy and discontented. So I need to have a radical mind shift!

All negative thoughts out, in with the positive! Everything must be from the inside, out. Now I understand what grounding means. I must be stable within me so I will not be shaken by others which often results to insecurity. Now I understand what inner peace means. I must control my emotions with my mind so I will not feel unloved which often results to envy. I am accountable to my own happiness and I must not rely this to others. I have to conquer my heart because by then, I can conquer everything! 

So with 2 or 3 readers or none, I’m gonna keep on writing. With blogging as a trend or not at all, I’m gonna keep on publishing. With a special someone or none, I know I’ve got my own sparkle! So thank you so much, self for the love and have a blast this year!

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