Photo Grabbed from Pediatric Dental Associates and Orthodontics
“Then I went doing against the will of God. I was such a rebel, forcing things to work my way, yet I ended up hurt, insecure, and dispirited!”
This is just an excerpt of what I’ve written seven years ago in On Waiting….. Reading it now I’m asking myself, “How did I do against the will of God at that time?”, “How did I rebel at that time?”, “How did I force things to work my way at that time?” That time when I thought I was doing against God’s will, rebel, and forced things my way, I actually did not until I really did the disobedience, rebellion and stubbornness in 2019.
Six years after God’s confirmation for me to wait and to trust in Him, I became impatient and forgot my faith. That’s the time I manipulated things on my own, disobeyed and rebelled. That’s the real time I’ve committed the biggest mistake of my life! I compromised, got stained, and inflicted sin to myself. Though I already knew and safeguarded myself for a very looooong period of time, I still allowed the dark sin to happen just for the sake of finally breaking free from my “old maid” syndrome! So my story goes like this:
There once was this girl who was very close to her father. As a child, she always told her father she loved him very much that no one else in this world could ever love her aside from her father. They always spent time together, she always sang him songs of adoration and love. Her father was her top priority. As the girl grew up, her father allowed her to have some friends and that was when she started to learn about the world. When she saw her friends carefree, she found herself full of concerns. When she saw her friends doing things without inhibitions, she found herself restricted. When she saw her friends full of life, she found out that she hasn’t really lived just yet. As she was looking back, she realized that unconsciously, she became who she was because all she ever wanted was to be pleasing to her father’s sight.
One day, she saw her friends delightfully enjoying colorful and luscious lollipops. It was her first time to see such yummy-to-the-eyes goodies and really wanted to have a taste of it. She envied her friends because she has none and lollipops aren’t meant for sharing. So she went home to ask her father for a lollipop. Her father did not reply and she considered the answer as no. She pleaded her father and begged him for a lollipop because she believed that her father could afford to buy her one. Nights she cried so hard for her father to give her what she desired the most but still, no answer. She did not stop whining and days, weeks, months, and years gone by when her father finally answered her to wait.
What?! Wait?! After all these years, I have to wait for you to give me a lollipop? But I have been a very good daughter to you! I always obeyed you. I made you my top priority! I served you! I sacrificed my happiness for you! You must give me a reward! You must grant my wish! You must give me that lollipop! I complained and ranted. I wailed childishly because I don’t deserve the no answer! I don’t deserve the wait answer! I don’t deserve to be deprived of what I want because I know my father could afford it. It’s just a lollipop so why not give it me now?! I then demanded.
After exhausting all her might imploring, the girl became tired. She gave up asking her father the much-coveted lollipop. She started to despise her father for not loving her the way she wanted to. She blamed him for being the cause of her unhappiness. So she just watched her friends having one lollipop after another. She considered them lucky for having anything they want and she felt sorry for herself for not having even a single one.
One day, a friend of the girl came rushing to her and told her that she discovered something at a thrift store. She told her that there’s this type of candy which looks like a lollipop at a very cheap price. Then they hurriedly went to the thrift store to take a look at the candy. To the girl, the candy was not as colorful as a lollipop but she thought it will do. It was not as lusciously-looking as a lollipop but she thought it will do. It was not as pricey as a lollipop so she thought of settling for it instead.
She then bought the candy with eyes closed for her not to think of the guilt because her father might already have the lollipop ready to be given to her. As she was unwrapping the candy, she was hesitant. This was not the surprise my father has in store for me, she thought. But still, she continued to put the candy in her mouth and eventually found out that it was too hard that could lacerate her tongue and palate. It was too sweet that could make her throat sore. It was horrid sticky that could break her teeth. It was only later when she found out that it was the tira-tira (in Cebuano) candy, an old-fashioned cheap local candy. She settled for it because it was what was available at hand. She settled for it because she hated her father for not giving her a real lollipop. She settled for it because she thought she could never have a lollipop. She only settled for a tira-tira candy which in Tagalog is tirá-tirá meaning, leftover.
Then she was left with no choice at all. The tira-tira candy was already paid, unwrapped, and tasted so she just continued eating it without enjoying it at all. She was obligated to finish it until it was already painful in her mouth. She chewed and chewed, swallowed and chewed. It was not the lollipop she wanted but she endured it because she thought it was all that she ever had. She held on to it until it hurt so bad in her tongue, palate, throat, and teeth. So she ran to her father for help.
Little did she knew, her father saw her entering the thrift store. Her father saw her buying the tira-tira candy. Her father saw her putting the cheap candy in her mouth. But he never reprimanded her. Instead, he found ways for cure to heal her from what she had done to herself. He still rescued her from further destruction. He still welcomed her in his arms as she came to him weeping for what she’d done. The girl was so embarrassed for disobeying her father. What she did was abominable and hated herself for it. But her father assured her that she was forgiven no matter how vile her actions were.
Now, the girl still wants a lollipop. She still wants to be one of her friends. But she promised to herself not to overtake his father’s plans anymore. Maybe lollipops can harm her teeth just like the tira-tira candy did. Maybe lollipops can cause tonsillitis that leads to fever just like the tira-tira candy did. Maybe her father was only protecting her for her own sake and good. So she’s now putting her trust on her father and hopes to fully do. She’s putting it in her head that if your father tells you to wait, just WAIT until he says, “My child, the long wait is finally over!”
So that is my tale of being anxious and impatient when God made me wait. It’s gruesome and I hate myself for it. However, God said repent but do not condemn yourself. For in Him, there is no condemnation but grace in Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior! (Romans 8:1) And all things work together for good for those who love Him (Romans 8:28) so this serves as a learning experience for me. I am now moving forward with mind renewed and soul restored! Not by my own might but all by the grace of God! I also do hope that you’ll learn from my story, my dear readers. 🙂 Let us all look forward to be the better version of ourselves as we enter the new year, leaving the past behind! XOXO Mae 🙂