Got to Believe

So why am I drawn into this kind of movie/teleserye/story?  Is it still because of my childhood fantasy to believe in finding my prince charming someday?  Oh well, now I’m starting to talk nonsense!  OK, fine!  Since this is my blog, I can write anything in here!  So here goes another musing of mine again…..

As you might have read from my recent post, I had promised not to write about my negativity issues and rants anymore.  I had promised to only write the good and the positive things.  So last Sunday night, I kept myself away from my laptop so I couldn’t write how bad and sad I felt.  Thanks to my friends who helped me rationalize the situation so here I am writing with a light heart now!

And what is my story?  Well, what else would a no-boyfriend-since-birth-thirty-year-old woman write about but her regrets, her emptiness, her what-if’s, and her reveries.  So let me tell you of the boys I had crushed on, liked, loved even (or was it just only my imagination that I’ve loved?)!  But of course, I would not tell you of their names to protect their privacy.  I would just have them in the first letter of their names and here they are:

Crush #1 Mr. M

Mr. M was my grade school crush.  I still didn’t even know the word “crush” when he became one to me.  We were schoolmates and when I visited my grandpa’s place, we were neighbors.  From Grade 4 to Grade 6, I dreamed to be friends with him.  I dreamed to play bihaga or patentero with him.  But childhood years became so fleeting with these dreams haven’t realized at all.  What I just have is a page on my autograph filled-up and signed by him before grade school graduation.  He is now happily married and resides in New Zealand with his family.

Crush #2 Mr. C

Mr. C was my playmate and real neighbor.  Originally, I didn’t have a crush on him.  It was only until we became classmates in high school when I did which started with a simple tease from our dear pilyo classmate.  Since then, we unfriended each other and didn’t even talk to each other until high school graduation.  It was only until recently that we smiled to each other again when we bumped into each other in my previous school and in church.  He is now happily married to a wealthy Chinese businesswoman.

Crush #3 Mr. D

Mr. D was also a high school classmate whom I consider my ultimate crush!  My God, I was crushing on him even after high school graduation when I’m not seeing him anymore!  I can say that I spent half of my entire teenage years+++ with only him on the pedestal!  There was nobody else but only him!  Kabaliwan ba?  Yes, it was!  For I always kept it in my heart that I would never ever have a boyfriend if it were not him!  And the ending, I only learned to let go of him after a year of his marriage!

Crush #4 Mr. B

Mr. B was my college classmate.  I was not supposed to have a crush on him but there was no other classmate who was able to make me to.  So I did had a crush on him from third year to fifth year and I even pursued Chemical Engineering for the hope of having him to be my first boyfriend!  But college graduation came and I never did have him.  Efforts were made but I never got his heart.  He is now happily married and resides in Manila.

Ka-Link #1 Mr. J

Mr. J this time was not a crush.  “Ka-link” can be the appropriate word I can have for him.  He was just so……different!  The impact of him to me had all been written here.  With him I could say that, I had experienced the so-called puppy love.  With him I could say that, I had experienced something attainable.  With him I could say that, I had experienced something quite real.  But I lost him.  It is still heartbreaking for me to relive this bittersweet experience.  But at least, I have this.  I am still thankful to have had experienced him.  For with him, I had experienced to be alive!

Now you might be wondering why am I enumerating this to you.  Well it’s just that, another crush of mine had just been marked X from my list for he already tied the knot last week!  I just felt so bad and so sad upon knowing this last Sunday night through FB.  It’s because, I saw him passed by the store last June of this year.  I knew I was his first love/crush way back in high school.  I just couldn’t understand why he couldn’t ever pursue me!  Or maybe I was just such feeler?  Well, I just hoped slightly lang naman upon confirming that it really was him whom I saw.  My bad that I did so!  Tsk tsk tsk!  I just felt so down and cursed myself to oldmaidoom!  Yes, I already am!  An old maid teacher!  The kind of person whom I loathed so much to become is exactly who I am today!  I AM REALLY REALLY REALLY CURSED!

Then again, upon telling this latest heartbreak from Mr. P to my good friends, they just laughed at me!  There I was feeling so lonely and desperate but there they were, literally laughing at me!  Then they said, “where were/are you in the picture?”  According to them, I was just like a viewer of a teleserye who cried when the bidadied.  Then I laughed with them realizing that I really was only a viewer!

Truly, I seldom got a crush on someone and when I do, wagas!  As you can see in here, there were only a few boys in my life.  Those who were not listed here were not counted because they were only crush-crushan.  Since those who are in this post were really the ones who got me big time!  And as for the time being, I only have a crush-crushan (am I still eligible to have one?).  I’ve been eyeing him since forever and I am not hoping from him anymore.  But if ever I might believe in magic, maybe there really is “magic”.  Could I encourage myself and persuade myself in saying to myself, “You’ve got to believe!”?

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