– Excerpt from Live While Waiting (Oct. 1, 2013)
WAIT – to stay in a place until an expected event happens, until someone arrives, until it is your turn to do something, etc.
That’s the first definition of the word “wait” in Merriam-Webster dictionary. It is the act of just staying put and just being still. But for me, it had been the most torturous act! It had been boring and tiring and tiring and boring. Until I was told to “wait on God”. So I had to wait further?!!! That was my initial reaction. I complained, I grumbled, I protested! I did not want to! Why should my agony of waiting be prolonged? Why should it take any longer? Then I went doing against the will of God. I was such a rebel, forcing things to work my way, yet I ended up hurt, insecure, and dispirited! It was not healthy to me and thank God for always reminding me to again, “wait on Him”. Now, let me just share to you the IG quotations, Twitter tweets, and FB shoutouts from random people that I had print screened for me to read and re-read whenever I feel anxious during this “waiting” period:
Additionally, my very good friend Toti also gave me a book that speaks right through me! It is as if, the book was written for me! It is entitled Passion and Purity by Elisabeth Elliot and it got me targeted bull’s eye! Upon reading the foreword of the book, it already had me teary-eyed with goosebumps. The author was directly talking to me, rebuking me, reminding me, and reprimanding me! She also tells me that I am not the only person who is still single and who is still struggling to find that mate. It was as if, God is giving me the confirmation to FURTHER WAIT…..
Of course you would question that! Like you would ask, “Are you really sure?” And it really is hard to accept!
I am always like this. Since I don’t want to be single, I do against the will of God and just always left being hurt!
Then I said, “But I have been good all my life! Why shouldn’t you just reward me with a boyfriend?!” And that should not be the case. So what if I’ve been good? Should I ask a reward for every good deed I’ve done? Should Christ’s flesh and blood not enough for me? And I was ashamed for those words that I had thrown to God.
And this is what old maids do! Throwing to the world the bitterness, the unhappiness, the emptiness, and the longings! Through that, the good things cannot be seen anymore because of the anger felt within one’s self. Isn’t that quiet true?
With this I always fail. How can I be mature enough when what I want is not given? When things are not doing what I want ’em to be!
However, God shone His light on me! After the rebukes, the reprimands, and the scoldings, He enabled me to realize some things.
And I came to know who I am – that I am not easy. Though I am never the ligawin type (I am still never been courted since birth to date), I could say that I am not easy. Because if I am, boys will not hesitate to come to me. I am hand-picked not to be like the others. I am special and only the special person can have me!
Although God had told me to be single, there is still this hope within me for Him to change His mind. Could God change His mind? Has there any written instance that He did? If you ever know one, can you please pm me?
And with all the complaints, the questions, the demands, and the rants, God just answered two simple words – TRUST ME! Indeed, God is a mysterious God! He lets us struggle for our own good. He allows us to be sad and feel empty for Him to fill us. Oftentimes we cannot understand because all He wants us to do is to trust Him. For the nth time in my life I am being reminded that His thoughts are not our thoughts and His ways are not our ways! So I calmed down, changed by mentality, and renewed my spirit. I am now heeding His call!
Yes, there will still be moonlit nights without someone to watch it with. Yes, there will still be candlelit dinners with couple friends making me as their scorer. Yes, there will still be phone ringings that I have to answer though it is not him who’s calling. And yes, there will still be more mails to receive that are not coming from him. But I will be OK! I am now taking God’s call! Because again, as what another author PY Nakar said in her book The Single Journey, “LIVE while waiting”, I will live while waiting. And my prayer now is for God to help me live HAPPILY while waiting. So may it be a month, a year, five years or a decade, I will wait on God! For whoever God has in store for me, he would surely be worth the WAIT!