To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before

Love month is about to end hours from now and it’s time to go senti-senti again.  As you might notice, I haven’t written any Valentine feature for this month unlike the other years which I did.  ‘Coz I’ve been bitter.  Hehe…..  Anyway, that’s all in the past.  Past is past, let’s not discuss.  However, I won’t let this love month end without a ceremonial write-up of the past’s past to finally put an end to it all.  And as what I’ve written last 2013 in this post when I divulged to you the boys I had crushed on, liked, loved even, here’s another post dedicated to them.  Letters to each boy as Jenny Han had it in her novel, To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before.

Dear Mr. M,

Long time no see!  How are the cows there in NZ?  Thanks to Facebook, we became friends.  ‘Coz we never did become friends when we were kids.  But you were my first crush, y’ know.  I was always looking forward to go to my Tatay‘s place so I can see you.  Every night I was so wishing that you would come out from your house and play.  Yes, you would at times but I never had the chance to play with you.  I was too shy to approach ‘coz I was so afraid you might know what I was feeling.  Anyway, I admire you for what you had become now.  I can see that you are a loving husband and a caring father to your kids.  You’ve got really cute kids in there, huh!  God bless your family and if ever you’ll come home, bring chocolates for the whole Circa ’99.  Hehehe…..

Dear Mr. C,

I’m happy I can still see you in church every Sunday!  Though we barely say “hi”, it’s still good knowing that we are only chairs apart and it’s nice watching you with your family.  It’s great to know that we have the same faith.  We were playmates and friends when we were kids, right?  How come we haven’t managed to continue that friendship?  Are we that affected with the teases of our then classmates?  But being friends with you now seems awkward and unworkable so better forget it.  I might just have befriend your wife nalang and that is somehow probable.  Your kids are growing up so fast!  Continue your walk with God and make Him always the center of your family.

Dear Mr. D,

Hey, there!  It’s nice of you to come back here in Ozamiz after years of being away.  You’ve been from one woman to another, kept changing your Facebook profile pic.  And every time I see your pp with different women, I ask myself “Why is it that, that is still not me?”  Am I still looking after you to be my first boyfriend?  You were my ultimate crush, y’ know!  But I cannot be.  I will never be.  You never took it in your heart what I told you during our retreat in high school.  For if you only did, you should’ve not resorted into finding happiness your own way.  You should’ve not struggled much in your quest to living your life.  D, cross everything to God.  He is the only one who can help you help yourself.  Call onto Him.  God works miracles and wonders that we cannot fathom.  In Him you’ll find answers and complete joy.  And definitely, He will make your path straight back to your wife where you truly belong.  Just pray.  And as you do that, I’m with you in your prayers.

Dear Mr. B,

I always thought you were gay!  But I still had a crush on you because there was no other one in our class for me to have a crush on.  Days and nights spent with you in your house never granted me you.  You were just so wholesome or maybe I was just so unattractive for you.  Wait, have you discovered the note I wrote at the back of the framed picture of us I gave you?  I think you just trashed it.  But I also think, you can’t do that.  Because you are such a good person.  Though you talked about me and our other group mate behind our backs, it was fine with us.  For it was true that you did 99% of our thesis.  I just wanna thank you for being such an understanding and kind classmate because I had finished chemical engineering with that.  If it were not because of you, I may have not become a licensed chemical engineer today (which I don’t make use of, anyway).  Take care of your wife and kids!  Now I don’t think you’re gay at all.  Peace.  Hehehe…..

Dear Mr. J,

You were not my crush!  Why should I?!  You were never my type!  And it’s unacceptable for me to have a crush on you!  However, you were my love.  My one great love.  I’m sorry for loving you.  I’m sorry for confusing you.  I’m sorry for disturbing your mind.  I’m sorry for making you feel bad.  But it just happened!  I didn’t plan it.  I didn’t like it to happen but it did.  It’s almost two months since that day and I thought I’m already OK.  But writing this now still pains me.  When can I have my one last cry for you?  I’ve been saying good bye for so many times yet, it’s still coming back.  I hope this is gonna be it.  Because over is really over!  I cannot do anything else to bring you back or to bring back the friendship that we had.  I just want you to know that you will remain special to me though we’ve said it quits.  I’d like to say, “no hard feelings” but I would just be fooling myself.  I’d added too much insult to injury already and I don’t want to make it worse.  So, all the best!  I hope and pray for you to find where you belong.  Yes, I’ve always been praying for you.  Praying for you to be well and for you to do well in everything that you do.  Ever since that day when we first parted and when I realized that I was already falling for you, that was the time I started praying for you.  (It’s your bad for letting me fall and not catching me!)  But seriously, I really do pray for you.  I still do.  How can I stop praying for you when you had already become a part of my life, of my system?  Until the time will come that I’ll find another, I’ll still be praying for you.

Finally, I’ve said it all.  I’ve said what I had to say.  These are my letters to all the boys I’ve loved before!  They were only boys because I believe that God has been busy molding the man for me.  The man who would love and accept me for all that I am.  The man who will be there for me until my last breath.  And when the time comes that that man will finally be given to me, I’m also gonna say this just like Lara Jean:

To all the boys I’ve loved before,

to all the boys i've loved before
(c) Jenny Han

With all my love,




And this is THE END of the past I have to leave behind for that one true love to come my way!

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